i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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