I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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