NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
