Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
