Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i think my tv is drunk
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
