are you still at the devil's house?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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