He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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