I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
