last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
