I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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