i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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