Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
