I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
