remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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