Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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