I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
