ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Operation Purity has been aborted
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
