You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
