Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
