I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
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Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
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Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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