Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm too high and old for this...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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