He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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