My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
honey bunches of taint.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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