its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
