I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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