Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
