Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
