When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
