We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
