I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
