You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
