This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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