My friends, they love my intelligence
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize