I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
