my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
