is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
