haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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