In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
