booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
