I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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