Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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