She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
When are your genitals available?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
