I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize