All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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