i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
