remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
