it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
