i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
