i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
