Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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