i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
