We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
