Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Operation Purity has been aborted
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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