Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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