Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
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He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
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I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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