I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
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They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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