I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
