the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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