Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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