the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
