: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
