i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
