OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
