So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
