If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
