WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize
